'the shit that they're feeding you'

We live much of our lives with reluctance and reservation, and inevitably the chances are that we end up resenting ourselves for it. It's true that at some point we will make a wrong turn or come face to face with a brick wall because we had our map upside down, our torch ran out of battery, or we failed to pack enough trail mix for the journey some people call life. But unless you're lying in a box four feet under the ground, then you still have the option to alter your outlook, shape your life into something you're proud of and live everyday with your heart bursting from joy, and not one too many hamburgers.

And sometimes what we deal with is a daily accumulation of frustration, doubt, irritation, lack of motivation - it snowballs until one day you open the door to a nasty surprise and wonder why you didn't see it coming. It's a little thing called self-awareness, the ability to realise either how much you mean to someone, or how little you do. And that loud-mouthed bogan on the train isn't really publicly voicing her love for jeggings to purposely annoy you, that's just her opinion - and she is 100% entitled to it. People aren't always going to agree with you, or give you the time of day to prove yourself - it only takes a quick look inward to realise how true this holds. It shouldn't take a lifetime to come to the conclusion that Dr. Seuss did, and that is forever printed onto my NSGHS Class of 2009 page - Those who mind don't matter, and those who matter don't mind.

things in may ...

Have some love

Coffee date!

Rockmelon arms

Oh hellooo there

Calcium

Highly addictive

Roo!

let the countdown begin ...

This time next month I will be frolicking in Santorini, in the sun and the sand (two things I will force myself to love), and basking in the beauty of the world at its finest. Departing on a once in a lifetime adventure with the single person that has created for me a once in a lifetime romance. Not allowing myself to feel embarrassed at the fact that I don't know a single word of Greek, except maybe habibi? My Rockdale-established wog accent probably wouldn't come across too well unless I was expecting a black eye or two (I'd probably ask for a well calculated one knowing my obsession with symmetry).

Certainty. Significance. Growth. These are things in life that we yearn for, that drive us, that shoot through our brains as the sun peeks through the curtains. And yet in moments of turbulence and doubt, we shed such important building blocks in our lives and replace them with perishable, temporary comforts that secretly rip our bodies and spirits to shreds. We all believe that we are capable of more than our lowest moments. So don't wallow, don't feel sorry for yourself, stop sitting on the fence because your butt will get sore. Decide what you want and convince yourself wholeheartedly that it is your destiny. Maybe it's not reasonable to ask that you live everyday as if it were your last; but at least live like you enjoy the beauty around you. The sounds of coffee grinding, pages turning, cars rushing, buskers crooning - the beauty is there if you take off the blinkers.

jaybee x

Be the person that you want to be. Fight for it - even if you have to fight yourself. Don't let your subconscious worm its way into planting seeds of frustration and anxiety and worry. Remind yourself of those promises, don't disregard them because they're too complicated. What's more important than a promise to yourself? They were the dreams you had, at a time where it was possible to dream. Who made the announcement that it was over, time was up, it was out of style?

As a child, I didn't have grand dreams for myself. I don't recall being particularly imaginative, I knew that it was impossible to fly, and that Santa had the same handwriting and taste in gifts as my mother which could only mean one thing. And looking back, although excited for life and my future, I don't feel that I allowed myself to dream like kids in Omo advertisements do. I was too busy being a smart ass, beating Amanda in handwriting and everything else, and doing high kicks in people's faces. Listening to Randy Pausch list his childhood dreams, his passions, his love for life that was ignited by the simplest of things, it all makes me a bit annoyed at Little Tham for always wanting to be older than I was (though not to the extent that Manny drinks espressos and invests in make believe stocks).

I never dared to dream big, for fear that those aspirations wouldn't be fulfilled. I allowed myself the little joys, frozen grape juice boxes and rolling down the grassy hill near the oval before I developed my lovely pollen allergies. I treasured the immediacy of achievements that only took weeks, like stamps on my gymnastics skills cards. I failed to aim for something out of this world, and it broke my heart when little Jasper said he wanted to be an astronaut and his older sister rolled her eyes at me and said "No he won't". And maybe it's my monthly rush of hormones that has me contemplating how it took me so long to realise my lack of imagination for what my life could be. But with my whole life ahead of me - lists of new years resolutions that get shorter and shorter until they're just a scribble on a torn post-it, journals that get tossed into a storage box - whose voice makes you disregard all the failed attempts but your own?

So listen. Don't tell her to shut up and go play hopscotch. Don't tell her what's impossible and what's ludicrous. Figure it out on your own - you deserve to give yourself that chance.

just do it (no seriously - just do it already)

So for many, the thought of using self-help or motivational materials to boost your life seems like a last resort, that last push you give yourself with little or no hope that it'll make a difference to your life which is inevitably spiraling towards a pit of doom. I have a strong image of Luke Danes sitting in his apartment cringing to the volume at which the man on the tape yells "LAAAHHHVE!" And the majority of us believe that we're better than these things, that we don't need the help and we refuse to believe that we'll gain anything from such people, a distant voice telling us how to live our lives when they don't know the first thing about us!

But it's become increasingly transparent to me that we're all much more similar than we'd care to admit. There's an addiction to being unique, to being mentally strong and not requiring external help, that our situations and life states are "just fine" and don't need to be meddled with. But becoming disturbed and embracing interruption in your everyday life and analysing the ways in which you could BE better; for yourself, your future, your family, your partner, your career - there's a multitude of things, ranging from simple habits to drastic actions, that allow you to focus on the important aspects and draw your focus and concentration away from the petty, the insignificant. For example, in analysing my situation two weeks ago, I was lazy with my nutrition, with my sleeping patterns, with my involvement in study and I was lacking in motivation at work. And I was absolutely okay with it. And here's the problem - not that we are ignorant, because we're not; and not because we're unaware, because we are most definitely aware of the things we could be doing better. So the question is, WHY do we spend so much effort and time and money on the wrong things, on fixing problems that wouldn't exist if we took the time to address the root of it all? Why are we spending time testing light reflecting concealers in department stores and forking out $60 for the 5mL bottle of Dior product when we could just stop wasting our time doing jack all and sleeping instead?

I have my beautiful boyfriend to thank for allowing me to stop cutting myself short. Because in allowing ourselves to develop expectations in fear that we'll be met with disappointment, we're limiting our capabilities, our opportunities, our potential to throw ourselves wholeheartedly into a venture which could be the greatest thing we seek for this life we've been blessed with.

If you don’t get what you want, you suffer; if you get what you don’t want, you suffer; even when you get exactly what you want, you still suffer because you can’t hold on to it forever. Your mind is your predicament. It wants to be free of change. Free of pain, free of the obligations of life and death. But change is law and no amount of pretending will alter that reality.

— Socrates

eleven twenty five

Patience with others is love. 

Patience with self is hope. 

Patience with God is faith.

rain city (how appropriate) - turin brakes

The struggle for approval. A process of conditioning that began so long ago. You yearned for a gold star, a wink, a jellybean. It made you sit a little straighter, colour a little faster, throw a little harder. Those gold stars, those winks, those jellybeans; they were blocks of lego building your self-esteem, tangible proof that you were great and becoming greater every single day.

And then people start to pull you apart. Sometimes it's block by block, so you barely notice. Other times it's a situation rivaling that of the 2004 tsunami. Jellybeans become more infrequent, and you find yourself looking down at a handful of the horrid black ones. So throw them in the trash (or, if you're Mrs Tham, make your children throw the jellybeans the doctor gave you down the toilet because they're kept in an unsanitary environment) and start fresh. Let the panic-stricken fear drive thoughts into ideas, ideas into designs and designs into internationally-reknowned pieces of magic.


Yes, it can be done. Maybe not today, but there's always tomorrow.

'baking and entering'

I have this guilty pleasure of watching people brush their teeth on TV. It's so comforting and refreshing and lovely to watch, and it makes me want to grab my toothbrush and foam up alongside them. I don't like when there's no bubbles happening though, and then they just talk and swallow and walk off - the lack of rinsing is VERY unrealistic, and kind of gross unless you enjoy the minty feeling trickle down your throat and linger, offering your morning coffee a spearmint accompaniment free of charge.

"Could the odds BE any more in my favor?!"

... and it's all small stuff

Pedal backwards. Out of your casket and out of the clothes the funeral home put you in. Let your laugh lines melt away but hold onto the laughter. Slip your hand into mine, feel your knuckles share that pain that comes from squeezing too hard, and whatever you do - don't let go. Flip your pencil upside down and erase all of the things you tried to make time for, without realising that you would never have enough time. Keep pedaling. Let yourself laugh out loud at all those times you bit your lip trying not to. The only serious thing about life, is death. Everything else is secondary. Let yourself be present in a moment, stop pining for a thing of the past or yearning for a future without believing that you'll make it, no questions. Don't stop just yet. We're almost there, but wait, where are we going? Allow yourself the luxury to feel. To feel and not to fight the frustration, the humiliation, the anxiety, the pain that makes you swear on your tazo card collection you could hear the moment your world fell to pieces. Because I promise you, these are not the moments you will replay when there is nothing left to see of this world.

Let death remind you to live your life.

Life is what's happening while we're busy making other plans.  -- John Lennon

until the last

Is it the dark that you fear? When you were a child, fear lay in the space where your hands could no longer reach and your eyes could no longer see. The blackness was overwhelming, suffocating, too too much to bear. It was terrifying to think that you could both shut and open your eyes, and the air had already turned to ink.

Disappointment. Humiliation. Guilt.

Inferiority.

Things we inevitably encounter when venturing into adulthood. It may be in the comparison of yourself to others; to their bank balance, to their hair, to their talents.

Talent. Does it pose such a threat because it surrounds me in a way that darkness consumes children? It is an innate ingredient that God chooses to include in some, and not others. Why? Have we the permission to ask?

Dig dig dig. Dig deeper. Claw until you undo every single stitch.

Study their eyes, can you see yourself in them? I like crows feet. Why does your lip do that when you talk, it doesn't matter if it's a compliment or a prayer or a lie. Why?

Connection. It's more than a hello. It's more than sharing dessert, it's more than sharing a bed, it's sharing your LIVES. It's sharing your days, your yesterday, today and tomorrow, your birthday and their birthday and the next fifty to come.

I want to be something. Let me be something. More than a go to, more than a middle man, more than an assistant, more than a shoulder to rest on, or to cry on, more than a sponge thrown into rose water and then blood.

Let me.

back back back

What are we running away from, and what are we running towards? Why are we running so fast? Is your future my future? Is mine yours?

Where do you see yourself in five years? How about ten? Thirty? What do you mean you don't know?

What are you passionate about? What drives you, what agonises you, what pulls you out of bed every morning and what keeps you wrapped up in those blankets calling in sick?

What are you afraid of? What do you look for around corners, behind sheets of cardboards, in the bottom of your cereal bowl; in life?

Who deserves your hours, the sweat and blood and tears you give so effortlessly and willingly, your heart? What could possibly take every part of you and know with a smile that tomorrow you will have more to give?

I want to find that. More than anything I want to find YOU, on my own. For myself.

some nice things to mull over ...

so you're good for something, Michelle Phan

Online jigsaw puzzles from JigsawSite.com

Organic froyo! You don't have to play but it's FUN. So I strongly suggest you do :)

twenty twelve

We are woken up every morning to a banquet of goodness, a table overflowing with platters of opportunities and stacks of ideas, there is too much to choose from and we only have two hands. There are no limits, there is only encouragement, choose me, no choose me, it’s okay you can have them both. In fact, take as much as you like.

This year will be about opening my eyes. Not only because I’m Asian and need to cross the road safely, but because I owe it to myself and what I’ve been fortunate enough to have been offered. I will dedicate my time to opening my mind, to thinking not just outside of the box, but outside of the factory that society has had us believe the world can only be. I will open my heart, allow it to feel and love and bleed and rejoice and cry, I will embrace what it chooses for me. I will search within myself for the courage to dream, to take risks, to not let pre-conceived limitations get the better of me.

I will go to Europe. I will consume more calcium. I will stop hating UNSW as much as I hate T*$#^%&t.  And I will begin to believe again.

water

There are no guarantees in life. Apart from the obvious, that which is inevitably death. But we live our lives with such certainty that a future exists, that we know where we'll be tomorrow and what we'll be doing. And 99% of the time, tomorrow becomes today and today becomes yesterday, without even so much as a glitch. But we get so bogged down in the mundane tasks of everyday life that we so selfishly make light of anything horrific or traumatising happening to others, simply because they aren't affecting us. But our time will come, for each and every one of us, where we are beyond hope and we're not even sure we want to see tomorrow arrive. Being left in the lurch is a terrifying experience - not knowing how far you have to fall and how long it will take to even gather yourself and think about the possibility of starting over. Trust is given so easily at times, and yet withheld from the most trustworthy of sources. We trust that our barista won't spit in our coffee, that the plans we make will run like clockwork. And yet we fail to place our trust in the one being who has the ability to give life and to take life away. We have this innate fear in handing over what isn't ours and allowing somebody else to guide us back to where we belong. But in theory, it should be the simplest and most willing choice we make in this lifetime.

4 0 5

I've learned that we constantly give ourselves excuses to limit our potential, that achievements have to be validated by accolades and awards, and everything we do or want to do has to be justified down to the smallest detail. This may be the case if you're doing it for someone else - so don't. Make it your own. Because at the end of the day, your accomplishments mean more to you than to anyone else.

They say that nothing worth having comes easily. In life, some things fall into our laps without requiring us to lift so much as a finger. Other times, we throw ourselves in front of oncoming traffic for a mere chance at an opportunity, only to be met with disappointment (and possibly serious injury). So when something potentially beautiful is dangling within reach, don't ignore that sparkling possibility that's lingering in the corner of your vision. Take it, before someone else does - because they will.

"Once upon a helicopter ..."

BEING SNEAKY

Life jacket bum bags!

: )

ick schmick

When you wrestle your way onto public transport and plonk yourself between a heavyset middle-aged European widow and a bearded man with a questionable smell lingering on the remains of his clothing, you forfeit all rights to personal space and any possible level of comfort. There's little that can be done to avoid the wispy cobweb-esque hair of the foreigner seated next to you brushing your forearm, rocking back and forth racked by silent giggles as you glare at their backpack covered in cupcakes and frogs and wonder what could possibly be funnier than throwing them into quicksand. We are (or at least I am) set an Everest on a daily basis, to push thoughts of contracting skin diseases or gastro out of our minds. I am by no means Emma Pillsbury - I live by the 5 second rule - but CityRail is known as ShittyRail for a very valid reason.

toddler talk

You represent the bungee cord which brings everything back to comfort, familiarity, all that you needed to delve deep to even recall once more. A memory, a state of being, a time which you both despise and hold dear to your heart. But there is always more than meets the eye, peering through those first impressions - the fear is that it isn't adequate in meeting your expectations, those both feasible and completely irrational. It is all good and well to have hopes, fantasies, dreams both inconceivable and within grasp. And the best is only experienced when you have absolutely everything to lose. You are given the opportunity to appreciate, not the superficiality, but the soul, the inner workings of what causes movement, emotion, inspiration, satisfaction. Consciously or not, we are striving for an equilibrium in our lives, and those intent on searching for life's meaning are realising all too late that they are missing out on the journey life itself is. Where does one find the lever to stop analysing, calculating consequences, preparing and predicting for what we believe is ahead? The best we can do is search within ourselves to define all that we are able to. Are we even remotely close to understanding ourselves, through self-appointed descriptions and analogies and comparisons? Perception is unique for everyone, and it teeters on the brink of humorous how we constantly misinterpret one another and, as a result, cause conflict neither party wants to resolve.