'the shit that they're feeding you'

We live much of our lives with reluctance and reservation, and inevitably the chances are that we end up resenting ourselves for it. It's true that at some point we will make a wrong turn or come face to face with a brick wall because we had our map upside down, our torch ran out of battery, or we failed to pack enough trail mix for the journey some people call life. But unless you're lying in a box four feet under the ground, then you still have the option to alter your outlook, shape your life into something you're proud of and live everyday with your heart bursting from joy, and not one too many hamburgers.

And sometimes what we deal with is a daily accumulation of frustration, doubt, irritation, lack of motivation - it snowballs until one day you open the door to a nasty surprise and wonder why you didn't see it coming. It's a little thing called self-awareness, the ability to realise either how much you mean to someone, or how little you do. And that loud-mouthed bogan on the train isn't really publicly voicing her love for jeggings to purposely annoy you, that's just her opinion - and she is 100% entitled to it. People aren't always going to agree with you, or give you the time of day to prove yourself - it only takes a quick look inward to realise how true this holds. It shouldn't take a lifetime to come to the conclusion that Dr. Seuss did, and that is forever printed onto my NSGHS Class of 2009 page - Those who mind don't matter, and those who matter don't mind.

things in may ...

Have some love

Coffee date!

Rockmelon arms

Oh hellooo there

Calcium

Highly addictive

Roo!

let the countdown begin ...

This time next month I will be frolicking in Santorini, in the sun and the sand (two things I will force myself to love), and basking in the beauty of the world at its finest. Departing on a once in a lifetime adventure with the single person that has created for me a once in a lifetime romance. Not allowing myself to feel embarrassed at the fact that I don't know a single word of Greek, except maybe habibi? My Rockdale-established wog accent probably wouldn't come across too well unless I was expecting a black eye or two (I'd probably ask for a well calculated one knowing my obsession with symmetry).

Certainty. Significance. Growth. These are things in life that we yearn for, that drive us, that shoot through our brains as the sun peeks through the curtains. And yet in moments of turbulence and doubt, we shed such important building blocks in our lives and replace them with perishable, temporary comforts that secretly rip our bodies and spirits to shreds. We all believe that we are capable of more than our lowest moments. So don't wallow, don't feel sorry for yourself, stop sitting on the fence because your butt will get sore. Decide what you want and convince yourself wholeheartedly that it is your destiny. Maybe it's not reasonable to ask that you live everyday as if it were your last; but at least live like you enjoy the beauty around you. The sounds of coffee grinding, pages turning, cars rushing, buskers crooning - the beauty is there if you take off the blinkers.

jaybee x

Be the person that you want to be. Fight for it - even if you have to fight yourself. Don't let your subconscious worm its way into planting seeds of frustration and anxiety and worry. Remind yourself of those promises, don't disregard them because they're too complicated. What's more important than a promise to yourself? They were the dreams you had, at a time where it was possible to dream. Who made the announcement that it was over, time was up, it was out of style?

As a child, I didn't have grand dreams for myself. I don't recall being particularly imaginative, I knew that it was impossible to fly, and that Santa had the same handwriting and taste in gifts as my mother which could only mean one thing. And looking back, although excited for life and my future, I don't feel that I allowed myself to dream like kids in Omo advertisements do. I was too busy being a smart ass, beating Amanda in handwriting and everything else, and doing high kicks in people's faces. Listening to Randy Pausch list his childhood dreams, his passions, his love for life that was ignited by the simplest of things, it all makes me a bit annoyed at Little Tham for always wanting to be older than I was (though not to the extent that Manny drinks espressos and invests in make believe stocks).

I never dared to dream big, for fear that those aspirations wouldn't be fulfilled. I allowed myself the little joys, frozen grape juice boxes and rolling down the grassy hill near the oval before I developed my lovely pollen allergies. I treasured the immediacy of achievements that only took weeks, like stamps on my gymnastics skills cards. I failed to aim for something out of this world, and it broke my heart when little Jasper said he wanted to be an astronaut and his older sister rolled her eyes at me and said "No he won't". And maybe it's my monthly rush of hormones that has me contemplating how it took me so long to realise my lack of imagination for what my life could be. But with my whole life ahead of me - lists of new years resolutions that get shorter and shorter until they're just a scribble on a torn post-it, journals that get tossed into a storage box - whose voice makes you disregard all the failed attempts but your own?

So listen. Don't tell her to shut up and go play hopscotch. Don't tell her what's impossible and what's ludicrous. Figure it out on your own - you deserve to give yourself that chance.

just do it (no seriously - just do it already)

So for many, the thought of using self-help or motivational materials to boost your life seems like a last resort, that last push you give yourself with little or no hope that it'll make a difference to your life which is inevitably spiraling towards a pit of doom. I have a strong image of Luke Danes sitting in his apartment cringing to the volume at which the man on the tape yells "LAAAHHHVE!" And the majority of us believe that we're better than these things, that we don't need the help and we refuse to believe that we'll gain anything from such people, a distant voice telling us how to live our lives when they don't know the first thing about us!

But it's become increasingly transparent to me that we're all much more similar than we'd care to admit. There's an addiction to being unique, to being mentally strong and not requiring external help, that our situations and life states are "just fine" and don't need to be meddled with. But becoming disturbed and embracing interruption in your everyday life and analysing the ways in which you could BE better; for yourself, your future, your family, your partner, your career - there's a multitude of things, ranging from simple habits to drastic actions, that allow you to focus on the important aspects and draw your focus and concentration away from the petty, the insignificant. For example, in analysing my situation two weeks ago, I was lazy with my nutrition, with my sleeping patterns, with my involvement in study and I was lacking in motivation at work. And I was absolutely okay with it. And here's the problem - not that we are ignorant, because we're not; and not because we're unaware, because we are most definitely aware of the things we could be doing better. So the question is, WHY do we spend so much effort and time and money on the wrong things, on fixing problems that wouldn't exist if we took the time to address the root of it all? Why are we spending time testing light reflecting concealers in department stores and forking out $60 for the 5mL bottle of Dior product when we could just stop wasting our time doing jack all and sleeping instead?

I have my beautiful boyfriend to thank for allowing me to stop cutting myself short. Because in allowing ourselves to develop expectations in fear that we'll be met with disappointment, we're limiting our capabilities, our opportunities, our potential to throw ourselves wholeheartedly into a venture which could be the greatest thing we seek for this life we've been blessed with.