please don't hurt me

i have found something that gets my heart racing faster sephora. and i would much rather be run down by a car or ten tonne truck (the smiths, anyone?) than come face to face + beak with a crow, or magpie, or any other bird for that matter. i am beyond petrified of birds, the way they flap their wings, and i know that they have to do that otherwise they will drop to the ground like a sack of beans, but what is wrong with just sitting in your nest or having your nest actually be a burrow 10 feet into the ground? but i have to be careful to draw the line between hate and terror. because repeating (or more like chanting) "please don't hurt me" as i ran home this afternoon, clutching clumps of hair and my bunch of keys, instilled within me a fear that i personally think will be my strongest motivation to get my license. (my tactic is to wave the keys around my head in a circular motion so the jingling will scare the bird away, if you're wondering.) you see, a certain crow has taken to perching on the roofs of buildings and branches of trees on my regular route to and from the train station. which was why, in the days of facebook, i never joined the "i hate birds/magpies/crows" group, because their knowledge of my hate would drive them to peck the flesh out of the back of my neck. and yes, they know. just like cats know. there is something so unnerving about having things loiter behind the back of my head or the nape of my neck, which is the part of my anatomy which i most worry about coming in contact with anything at all. and has anybody noticed the growing population of ibises? where are they coming from? have they suddenly become the rabbits of the bird kingdom? or more like the homeless of the bird kingdom, because they're the only ones who balance on rubbish bins with their behinds in the air, but maybe it's something about the feathers of ibises which retain nose-wrinkling smells. and i know musicians i love are really into black crows and what they symbolise, like HELLO down the way, and it features on both of passenger's album covers. but try something else, preferably something that isn't an animal nor an allergy-stimulating plant.

and to all the people who leave urine splattered across the seats of public toilets - are you serious? try comparing YOUR hole to the hole in the toilet bowl, and you will see that there is no reason as to why you should miss. unless you're squatting, in which case i say DON'T.