ramblings

there is no fear if there are no questions, no accomplishments without risks and no actions without consequences. the unknown is something we choose to ignore in the hopes that it won't reveal something potentially shattering. but its existence is one of life's inevitable jokes. if accepting this fact early on means we jump into things blindly, does it make the situation any less terrifying? knowing there are repercussions but not knowing the nature or intensity of them? we're constantly in the process of fixing, moulding, bettering ourselves to comply with expectations we may not necessarily agree with or even possess the ability to comprehend. and without answers to these questions, we blindly stumble into the future hoping in vain that light will find us and not the opposite.

we fill our lives with endeavours in the hopes of distracting ourselves from the true meaning of life, or the process of finding it (if this is something we are even willing to consider). it's hard to contemplate the ease at which we switch on and off, especially to things that we've convinced ourselves to be of great importance, or the source of what we live for and live to be. there is a constant desire for more - but where does more take you, and what does it leave you with? ultimately we are the ones who decide how to live, but we aren't entrusted with that decision or freedom without serious consequences. the majority of what we think, feel and act upon is for someone or something else that holds control over our supposed happiness, or what we believe will lead to it. it's easy to go with what's seen to be conventional as opposed to individual, which in the end is what we are and should express.

what happens when the things that are, or should be most important, begin to lack in significance? what are you left with when you don't know where you're headed, or the importance of your actions and decisions? there's nothing worse than no direction, or the knowledge that it really doesn't matter what you do or don't do. it has become increasingly apparent to me, the complete and utter lack of motivation that i go through life with. i don't want to be doing things simply because it's easier to, or worse because the thought of not scares me even more than blindly following a path set by someone other than myself. so when do you make the change? do you wait patiently for the green light, or do you slam on the pedal and hope to God that it's the right thing for you? there are so many opportunities that exist, but for every one there are ten times the amount of rejection and uncertainty. so when do you decide to let it stop affecting you?

we spend our lives learning more than we do living. does it get to a point where you are able to utilise what you've learnt in order to generate a positive outcome? it feels dry. it feels like getting the wheels of your car stuck in knee-deep mud. we lose little bits of ourselves along the way, and replace them with pieces that others have entrusted us with and we can either choose to ignore this, or deal with it front on. you can never refuse to let yourself be affected. it comes with the territory of every situation you encounter and every person you meet. my expectations aren't high. in fact, they're barely existent. but i like to think that i possess the ability to exceed the expectations that others have of me. the element of surprise is priceless.

i warned you it'd be messy. my thoughts, by myself on level six in the library on a lonely monday afternoon with angus and julia and a caramel latte.