spots, stripes, hundreds & thousands

caffeine and vanity overload.












we have a thing for marble bathrooms and surrounding mirrors
burt, where are you?
canon <3
blending like a smoothie
kasui
9 crimes
what keeps us going
dirty shoe
my weekly wednesday
'gersikah'

my false

i'd like to think that i'm a pretty solid person. that i'm reliable and people trust me enough to depend on me. but there are times where i'm so easily swayed, if i was a little pig's house i'd be the first to go, hands down. and when you have the very core of your existence being questioned, there's only very little that doesn't shatter you like a glass window being blasted apart in an action film scene. it's a hard pie to cut, deciding how much occurs in my head and how big a part reality plays. i like being more than i appear to be. i like exceeding expectations, i like going beyond what's required of me and i like unpredictability. i want to be it, the it that describes the knowledge that nothing else is needed.

patience, grasshopper

it occurred to me today as i sat in the car for 34 minutes waiting for my mother how impatient i am and how cranky i get at queues that should be moving but don't, or incompetent waitstaff at restaurants, or SEMI-DELUSIONAL PREPUBESCENT SHREK-EARS-WEARING BOYS AT MACCA'S. it's not that hard. push button, fill cup, hand to customer. but it seems as though there's this constant pressing need for things to be faster; we need to run faster to make the earlier train and push elderly/disabled people out of the way for a seat (i'm aware that this may just be me) so we can drink more of the coffee so we can continue whizzing through our day like frazzled ninnies. i click my nails when i'm waiting for my change and tap my foot until the little red man transforms into little green man. I ALSO HATE THOSE PEOPLE WHO PRESS THE BUTTON INCESSANTLY LIKE THEIR LIFE DEPENDS ON IT. do you really think they'd invent a traffic light that requires you to push it more times than the last person otherwise you don't get to cross? i have so much hatred for traffic lights, the things that occur in their general vicinity are so infuriating. i also really hate when i've been standing there for a good 43 seconds or so, and another person turns up and pushes past me to press the button LIKE THEY THINK I'VE BEEN STANDING THERE FOR NO GOOD REASON OTHER THAN I LIKE THE RUSH OF WIND THAT CARS CREATE WHEN THEY DRIVE BY ME AND THE SOUND THEY MAKE AS THEY DRIVE OVER A POT HOLE ONE AFTER ANOTHER (okay the latter i actually enjoy). I'M WAITING TO CROSS THE ROAD TOO, TWITFACES.

post-management play time

oh germany. how i feel for you.

five four three two one

we don't get along with limits in our lives like smoked salmon agrees with cream cheese. limits pressure us, they weaken us, they expose us and the bottom line is we like to think that we're better off without them - on our credit cards, on our driving speeds, on our life span. but unknowingly, we push limits to better ourselves and discover things we never comprehended or thought possible. this in itself is such a rare occurrence, because we like to think that we know what's going on under all the hair, that we're able to control the uncontrollable. it's one of those things that only work their very best disguised under a trench coat and hidden behind a newspaper on a park bench.

which gets me thinking that i need to look for a winter coat.

dream on, diana

this alone is enough to turn me insane. i've never been a fan of pastels, but if i've fallen in love with the 2D version how much will i adore it in 3D? it reminds me of america in the 60's, playing with the family dog in the front yard and running through the sprinklers .. although i still don't think i'd be a fan of animals if i was born thirty years earlier.

PROJECT VANITY

with a little help from jexi .. yep that's your new name. i'm too tired to put words into sentences. accounting whacks the sanity right out of you.

slip slop slap

i'm having trouble recalling the last time it was warm enough to force me into applying sunscreen to my asian skin. this upsets me.

i over-estimate my influence, my strength and my importance. not everything is a two way street - sometimes it's just a dingy selfish little one way. and i'm so blinded by the what-if's and could-be's that they become my future. herein lies the problem - mine, not ours.

complications are inevitable. trial and error seems to be the only way in which i intend to live life, because by the time you've adapted to the rules and grown accustomed to the conditions, the game has changed and your opponents are more fierce than the last. and there's no choice but to trust your teammates.

maybe this is why i've never been good at team sports.

direction gives us a goal, and provides our lives with purpose. every day should be meaningful, filled to the brim with moments that add to something significant. as of late, life has ceased to provide me with joy in the little things, because the little things fail to exist or demand to be noticed anymore. and the big things, well, the big things are just one enormous headache. unless we let go of what is restricting us, freedom is not an option. we can experience things, but there is always a sacrifice we have to be willing to make. if this weren't so, there would be no worth in what we aim to do.

alain ducasse

it is without doubt that i am physically incapable of any form of unwilling study without being overcome by severe allergic reactions. i have witnesses! as i type with the thought of accounting in my mind, i am itching the little patch of unhappiness on my left forearm. yesterday was a day of caramel lattes, vanity and amazing music, and a half-arsed attempt at learning a semester's worth of work to be tested on tuesday. boy & bear, welcome to my collection of calico!

Boy & Bear is happy.
Boy & Bear is Tambourine.
Boy & Bear is good for you.

yoonee shits me

GOOD LUCK MY LOVER!

assumptions & accrual accounting

i find people-watching such a fascinating way to pass the time, that it seems almost ridiculous not to make a career out of it. i kid - well, only a little. observing and judging are two of my gifts from God. on a shallow level, i can comment on others, and i can look into what i think i'm seeing. but that's where all essence is lost.

there is always an element of fear in the unknown, and the uncertainty associated with any kind of commitment comes from the lack of faith we have in others, but more terrifyingly so, the lack of confidence in ourselves. i'm not referring to the face we paint on every morning before we race out the door, but a much more confronting version of self-esteem which we all refuse to discuss.

it's as easy as (i'm tempted to say A B C 1 2 3) to rush through life with speed dialling and express lanes, to blur past the details we do our best to avoid, than to think. because our thoughts are by far the scariest things we'll ever have to deal with - and we deal with them alone. we try ever so hard to place a price tag on our feelings through materialism, because truth be told, it's impossible to ever convey something real, something of substance, and have others truly appreciate it the way you intended.

passion is one of those things that has the ability to disguise itself as talent, but in a way, it is by far the more preferable trait. it's taking whatever you were given and multiplying it by fifty seven.

i want to be a bushfire, not a shitty flickering lightbulb.

Methode Champenoise

the next 36 hours will be spent pretending as though i care about hallmark events, synergy and the proper storage of wine. what i'm really concerned about is perfecting my pancake flip and eyeliner application. it really irks me, that after this many washes, my SABA fallen angels still find their way onto my light-coloured anythings. "i cannot get over how lucky you are to have me by your side!" this post is extremely choppy, similar to how i'd like my hair to be. tomorrow my sister turns 21. everytime it's a person's birthday i have to pretend like i enjoy eating cake.

i wish i was hello kitty.

polaris

it's not even that i can't concentrate on my studies. it's that i don't let myself be put into a position where i could even remotely understand how frustrating and infuriating it is to literally cram irrelevant but supposedly necessary information into my brain. it's like introducing an anorexic to a buffet - both horrific and impossible. if you right-clicked my mind and went to 'properties' you'd find that the pie chart is mostly full of things like spice girls lyrics and various "did you know"s found on the back of certain feminine hygiene products.

saying that i'm not in the mood doesn't work. i am NEVER in the mood. after waking up this afternoon from my slumber i proceeded to let myself cry over chuck bass' gunshot wound and then frolick on my lonesome to songs from an NSG contemporary dance ensemble whilst watching my lunch bubble over the stove.

summer school, here i come.

ms. holly golightly

i really feel like blogging but when i search unwillingly through the muddy depths of my brain, i find that there's not much going on today. but it's safe to say that at this moment i'd rather leave well alone than try to connect all the dots and tie up all the loose ends and fit all the puzzle pieces together. count the clichés with me, won't you?

today was our last day of kenvale. i think a little piece of me died inside - not being able to feel self-conscious about my foundation application anymore, or my hooker-esque pantyhose which puts me on the streets of the cross, or snort behind our books at bernie/selina/OH&S lady - all these things really add to the university experience i'm hoping to achieve. but jess, oh you saved the day. as i watched your wallet fly out of your hand and your 'human flesh hit the ground' i thought gosh. there really is no better way to end the semester. and so i thank you from the bottom of my heart. only now do i begin to understand that it may have been the caffeine deficiency which caused you to slip down four, five stairs? i'll always be there for you <3 maybe not so much to catch you when you fall, but to laugh at the hilarity of the situation with you; any situation. my tears proved that today.

the large surface area of my mug has caused my coffee to rapidly cool and thus interferes with my usual drinking pace. boo

JB and the worry dolls

i have a tendency to overreact and be self-conscious and find the worst case scenario in every situation and multiply it by fourteen. i think it's in my nature to imagine the assumptions others are making of me before i even open my mouth. i like knowing things that don't have to be said in words, rare as it is. i don't like dripping taps or bodily fluids, and i don't like finding crumbs all over my lap to remind me of my disgusting eating habits. i don't like looking through the smudges on my glasses and ignoring them because i can't find anything within my reach to wipe them with. i don't like how i get really worked up over petty things that mean even less than nothing. i do, however, like lightening and biscotti and 2D puppies.

mocha chocolate caramel swirlacino with extra whipped cream

i'm so sleep deprived that my eyeballs are lagging, so what they see and what i'm thinking are at least ten seconds apart, but i have trouble taking my eyes off things (such as facebook). thank you, jessica xi, for the large coffee this morning and spongebob laugh to get me through the day! hoping there will be some amazing, beautiful, clean children to party with tomorrow. also hoping that i'll turn up to work in something at least half decent. who knows what my mind in this state is capable of.

screw you, UNSW

oh university, it just keeps getting better, doesn't it? you're not even remotely funny anymore.

corner of your heart

being born somewhere doesn't necessarily mean that you belong there. i've spoken enough about belonging and alienation thanks to HSC english, but i honestly believe that being exposed to snippets of cultures and lifestyles we are unfamiliar with isn't enough. being on vacation for three weeks on the opposite side of the equator blatantly points out all that i'm missing out on. but little things that go unnoticed are noticed by me, and make me yearn for more. it's a feeling you can't put into words, because it is waiting to be experienced, and i want to build something of my own, not be content with what's given to me. i want to create something from scratch, something that is my own and that i can be proud of accomplishing. i wish i possessed the talent to even remotely try to express the feelings i'm trying ever so hard to explain. a photograph has the potential to inspire, a song can change so much within the span of three minutes.

what is this constant need for us to communicate to others what's inside of our heads? no, i don't want a smart arse response about the human desire for understanding and appreciation. but you've gotta admit, they do have a point.

strawberries and pineapples

i don't know what i'd do without you

ramblings

there is no fear if there are no questions, no accomplishments without risks and no actions without consequences. the unknown is something we choose to ignore in the hopes that it won't reveal something potentially shattering. but its existence is one of life's inevitable jokes. if accepting this fact early on means we jump into things blindly, does it make the situation any less terrifying? knowing there are repercussions but not knowing the nature or intensity of them? we're constantly in the process of fixing, moulding, bettering ourselves to comply with expectations we may not necessarily agree with or even possess the ability to comprehend. and without answers to these questions, we blindly stumble into the future hoping in vain that light will find us and not the opposite.

we fill our lives with endeavours in the hopes of distracting ourselves from the true meaning of life, or the process of finding it (if this is something we are even willing to consider). it's hard to contemplate the ease at which we switch on and off, especially to things that we've convinced ourselves to be of great importance, or the source of what we live for and live to be. there is a constant desire for more - but where does more take you, and what does it leave you with? ultimately we are the ones who decide how to live, but we aren't entrusted with that decision or freedom without serious consequences. the majority of what we think, feel and act upon is for someone or something else that holds control over our supposed happiness, or what we believe will lead to it. it's easy to go with what's seen to be conventional as opposed to individual, which in the end is what we are and should express.

what happens when the things that are, or should be most important, begin to lack in significance? what are you left with when you don't know where you're headed, or the importance of your actions and decisions? there's nothing worse than no direction, or the knowledge that it really doesn't matter what you do or don't do. it has become increasingly apparent to me, the complete and utter lack of motivation that i go through life with. i don't want to be doing things simply because it's easier to, or worse because the thought of not scares me even more than blindly following a path set by someone other than myself. so when do you make the change? do you wait patiently for the green light, or do you slam on the pedal and hope to God that it's the right thing for you? there are so many opportunities that exist, but for every one there are ten times the amount of rejection and uncertainty. so when do you decide to let it stop affecting you?

we spend our lives learning more than we do living. does it get to a point where you are able to utilise what you've learnt in order to generate a positive outcome? it feels dry. it feels like getting the wheels of your car stuck in knee-deep mud. we lose little bits of ourselves along the way, and replace them with pieces that others have entrusted us with and we can either choose to ignore this, or deal with it front on. you can never refuse to let yourself be affected. it comes with the territory of every situation you encounter and every person you meet. my expectations aren't high. in fact, they're barely existent. but i like to think that i possess the ability to exceed the expectations that others have of me. the element of surprise is priceless.

i warned you it'd be messy. my thoughts, by myself on level six in the library on a lonely monday afternoon with angus and julia and a caramel latte.